Life *In* the Boat

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I've mentioned before that the scripture that best describes my spiritual journey is Matthew 14:22-33, The Walking on the Water.  It seems like God is constantly challenging me to step out of my boat and comfort zone and trust Him with everything.  Hence the name, Life Out of the Boat :)

But Wednesday's Gospel reminded me that sometimes we need to be in the boat before we start jumping out in the wild wind and waves. 

Mark 6:45-52 tells the story of how Jesus comes walking on the sea towards the disciples as they are being tossed about in the boat.  The disciples are frightened, think they see a ghost, and Jesus tells them, "Take courage, it is I! Do not be afraid!"  Jesus gets into the boat with them, and suddenly everything is at peace.  No wind, just calm seas now that he is in the boat.

During the homily, Father reminded us that sometimes we need to invite Christ into our boats.  We need to realize that the peace we are looking for in the midst of chaos and confusion is often found when we ask Christ to be part of our lives in a more concrete way. 

As I thought about this throughout the day I realized that this is where I am in my own "boat adventure" with the Lord.  January is the beginning of my busiest season at work.  It's also the time of year where I'm looking ahead and realizing all of the many things that need to get done.  This year is a little different because I'm also preparing for some big changes in the months to come. 

I found out last week that my pastor is being moved to another parish, and that we'll have a new pastor at the beginning of February.  I've gone through pastor changes before, but this is the first time that it impacts me as both a parishioner and a parish employee.  New pastor means a new boss, and likely some change in the life of the parish.  I'm certain that good things are ahead, but it is still challenging.  My current pastor is the one who hired me, and the one who has taught and formed me over these past few years.  He's been an incredible mentor to me, and is the one who has shown me that ministry more than anything else is about serving the needs of the Body of Christ. His announcement about the upcoming move brought on a fair share of tears.  Change is hard, but it is also an indication that God is at work.

In the midst of this time of transition there's a temptation to want to conquer all of these things head on without taking the time to pray about them.  "I CAN HANDLE THIS! Let me out of the boat!  I'm ready!!  BRING ON THE CHANGE!"  But the truth is if we don't take the time to pause and pray before diving out of the boat we can set ourselves up to sink.  

I feel like God is putting on my heart to be still and invite him into the boat.  This is going to be a busy year.  It is going to be a challenging year.  But  I think that 2014 will be yet another opportunity to grow as the woman God created me to be.  Not only will I experience change and challenges at work, but I'm also learning and growing in my vocation as a wife and discerning when I'm called to be a mother.  In all of these things, whether at home or work, I need to make sure I'm resting in the peace of Christ before hopping over the side of the boat to conquer waves on my own.

Peter started to sink because he looked away from Christ and the waves and wind overcame him.  If we don't take the time to look at Christ, particularly in moments of change and transition, we might not realize that God is preparing us for what is ahead by surrounding us with His peace. 

Walking on water is an incredible adventure, but it also requires asking our Lord to be part of the journey. 

Be at peace

Walk on Water 

Be not Afraid

d*

The Pain & Beauty of Humility

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I've never had trouble reciting a prayer until this one: The Litany of Humility. It is the kind that is so good for the soul it makes me cringe.  

It starts off gently:  

O Jesus, meek and humble of heart, hear me! 

Me: Oh yes that's nice. Please hear me meek and humble Jesus!

And then it continues:

From the desire of being esteemed, deliver me Jesus.  
Hm... OK Lord I guess I don't need so much of that.  Yes, Lord deliver me from this.

From the desire of being loved, deliver me Jesus.  
Whoa there! Hold up now...

And it only gets harder from there with sentences like:

From the desire of being praised...being preferred to others...approved...  
But wait!  I like affirmation! Heck, I like being liked!

From the fear of being despised...ridiculed...humiliated...  
AH!  But that stuff is painful!

Then the litany switches gears, and just when I didn't think it couldn't get any harder, it does:

That others may be loved more than I,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be esteemed more than I,  
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be praised and I unnoticed...

That others may be preferred to me in everything...

That others may become holier than I, 
provided that I may become as holy as I should...

By the last sentence there is a small part of me that wonders what the consequences of this prayer will be.  What on earth did I just ask for?!  I like being liked!  I like being praised for doing a good job!  It kills me when I know people are unhappy with me.  Why would I want to embrace a virtue that makes me so uncomfortable?

Of course, the short answer is this:   

Because Christ did.  

 "...He emptied himself, taking the form of a slave... he humbled himself, becoming obedient to death, even death on a cross." - Philippians 2:7-8

Though the cross is painful, we also know that it isn't the end of the story.  Humility can be painful, but it can also be beautiful when it is united to Christ.   


There's no doubt in my mind that the reason the Litany of Humility is so challenging for me to pray is because I need it so much.  Humility is hard.  It means embracing a cross that isn't always so fun to carry.  It also means recognizing that I am nothing without Christ, and without Him playing an active role in my life, I can do nothing at all.  

In his December 19th homily Pope Francis said that "Humility is necessary for fruitfulness." He explained that we cannot bear fruit in our lives without God's help and that we must acknowledge that we can do nothing on our own.  He encourages us to pray " ‘Lord, I want to be fruitful.’ I desire that my life should give life, that my faith should be fruitful and go forward and be able to give it to others. Lord, I am sterile, I can’t do it. You can. I am a desert: I can’t do it. You can.”

As someone who works in ministry full-time, this is something I need to pray more often.  It is easy for me to fall into the trap of thinking that I can do everything on my own. "I'll start this program!"  "I'll give this talk!" "I'll do it all!"  And in the middle of running my own show, pride is a comfortable thing to settle into.  Yet, it seems like the work I do is so much more meaningful and impactful when I get out of the way and take the time to ask "God, what are you calling me to do?"  Even my own prayer life and walk with Christ seems more life giving when I stop trying to push my agenda on God.  

I read through St. Josemaria Escriva's 17 Signs of a Lack of Humility and there's no doubt that I need a lot of work.  In this new year I feel like God is calling me to stop asking "What does Deanna want to get done?" and instead make the effort to pray "Your will, not mine, be done" on a daily basis.  And although it's not my favorite prayer, I'm also trying to pray the Litany of Humility at the start of my work day.  These are just small steps that I think could lead to a very interesting and fruitful year! 

Humility will probably never be an "easy" virtue for me to embrace.  The good news is that this is where God's grace kicks in.  By acknowledging our dependence on God, we make more room for him to work in and through our lives.  When we let go of things like the desire of being loved and the fear of being rejected we embrace the cross and the joy of our faith more fully.  

Jesus, meek and humble of heart, make my heart like yours 

(even if it hurts).

be at peace
walk on water
be not afraid

d*