The Pain & Beauty of Humility

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I've never had trouble reciting a prayer until this one: The Litany of Humility. It is the kind that is so good for the soul it makes me cringe.  

It starts off gently:  

O Jesus, meek and humble of heart, hear me! 

Me: Oh yes that's nice. Please hear me meek and humble Jesus!

And then it continues:

From the desire of being esteemed, deliver me Jesus.  
Hm... OK Lord I guess I don't need so much of that.  Yes, Lord deliver me from this.

From the desire of being loved, deliver me Jesus.  
Whoa there! Hold up now...

And it only gets harder from there with sentences like:

From the desire of being praised...being preferred to others...approved...  
But wait!  I like affirmation! Heck, I like being liked!

From the fear of being despised...ridiculed...humiliated...  
AH!  But that stuff is painful!

Then the litany switches gears, and just when I didn't think it couldn't get any harder, it does:

That others may be loved more than I,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be esteemed more than I,  
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be praised and I unnoticed...

That others may be preferred to me in everything...

That others may become holier than I, 
provided that I may become as holy as I should...

By the last sentence there is a small part of me that wonders what the consequences of this prayer will be.  What on earth did I just ask for?!  I like being liked!  I like being praised for doing a good job!  It kills me when I know people are unhappy with me.  Why would I want to embrace a virtue that makes me so uncomfortable?

Of course, the short answer is this:   

Because Christ did.  

 "...He emptied himself, taking the form of a slave... he humbled himself, becoming obedient to death, even death on a cross." - Philippians 2:7-8

Though the cross is painful, we also know that it isn't the end of the story.  Humility can be painful, but it can also be beautiful when it is united to Christ.   


There's no doubt in my mind that the reason the Litany of Humility is so challenging for me to pray is because I need it so much.  Humility is hard.  It means embracing a cross that isn't always so fun to carry.  It also means recognizing that I am nothing without Christ, and without Him playing an active role in my life, I can do nothing at all.  

In his December 19th homily Pope Francis said that "Humility is necessary for fruitfulness." He explained that we cannot bear fruit in our lives without God's help and that we must acknowledge that we can do nothing on our own.  He encourages us to pray " ‘Lord, I want to be fruitful.’ I desire that my life should give life, that my faith should be fruitful and go forward and be able to give it to others. Lord, I am sterile, I can’t do it. You can. I am a desert: I can’t do it. You can.”

As someone who works in ministry full-time, this is something I need to pray more often.  It is easy for me to fall into the trap of thinking that I can do everything on my own. "I'll start this program!"  "I'll give this talk!" "I'll do it all!"  And in the middle of running my own show, pride is a comfortable thing to settle into.  Yet, it seems like the work I do is so much more meaningful and impactful when I get out of the way and take the time to ask "God, what are you calling me to do?"  Even my own prayer life and walk with Christ seems more life giving when I stop trying to push my agenda on God.  

I read through St. Josemaria Escriva's 17 Signs of a Lack of Humility and there's no doubt that I need a lot of work.  In this new year I feel like God is calling me to stop asking "What does Deanna want to get done?" and instead make the effort to pray "Your will, not mine, be done" on a daily basis.  And although it's not my favorite prayer, I'm also trying to pray the Litany of Humility at the start of my work day.  These are just small steps that I think could lead to a very interesting and fruitful year! 

Humility will probably never be an "easy" virtue for me to embrace.  The good news is that this is where God's grace kicks in.  By acknowledging our dependence on God, we make more room for him to work in and through our lives.  When we let go of things like the desire of being loved and the fear of being rejected we embrace the cross and the joy of our faith more fully.  

Jesus, meek and humble of heart, make my heart like yours 

(even if it hurts).

be at peace
walk on water
be not afraid

d*

The Season of "Espera"

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One of my favorite Spanish words is "esperar", which means to wait for, to hope for.  The older I get the more I appreciate this word.  It reminds me that no matter how difficult the "waiting" might be, there is hope because God's hand is at work.  There is (or at least should be) joy in waiting because God loves us and His plans are perfect. 

But even with this understanding of having great hope,  waiting isn't always easy. Sometimes it's annoying and painful.

I think about the time following my college graduation when I wasn't sure what I was doing.  For a moment it felt like God was being silent, and that was frustrating.  In reality I only had to wait a couple of weeks to hear that I was accepted into a mission work program in Mexico, but the waiting felt like an eternity.  I wanted an answer before graduation and I wanted things to happen on my own timetable.  But God asked me to wait, and it paid off. 

Then there was the stressful time of waiting when I finished up my second year of mission work, and had no idea where God wanted me to go next.  I completed the year in Texas, packed up my car with everything I owned, and moved back in with my parents to await further instruction.  Again, while it seemed like God was being silent f o r e v e r, there were really only about 5 weeks where God just wanted me to be still, to wait, and to trust that His timing was better than my own. 

3 years later I'm still working in my dream job in the most unexpected of places (trust me, Dodge City was not on my radar at all!) and appreciating the fact that God's plans are much better than anything I can come up with on my own. God asked me to wait, and it paid off. 

I have to admit that I am not always "full of hope" while waiting to see where God will lead me next.  Sometimes waiting is accompanied by tears, desperation, and complaining that God isn't moving fast enough.  Yet it seems those are the times when God reminds me of His faithfulness. The waiting has always had meaning and purpose when I remember that God is part of it. 

Waiting is hard.  It is challenging.  Sometimes it hurts.  Sometimes it is stressful.  But when God becomes the focus of our waiting, peace enters the unknown and the uncertainty. 

In a way, that's what Advent is about.  It's a season of waiting, of joyful expectation, of hope.  The world was waiting for a Savior, a King, a Mighty Ruler... and God surprised everyone:

Christ's coming was not only an answer to a season of waiting, but it was also an answer that was so much better than what people were expecting.  God became a tiny baby.  The King of Kings was born in a stable and placed in a manger.  God's perfect plan was so much better than what we could have come up with on our own.  

Advent reminds us of Christ's first coming, but it also reminds us that Christ will come again.  Advent takes us into a season of "espera"... a time of waiting and hoping.  We await the joyful celebration of Christ's birth, and we are also full of hope that Christ will return.  This waiting and hoping gives meaning to our lives, because it tells us that the story doesn't end here.  

Waiting and hoping in the Lord means that we trust Him... We don't know how long we have to wait, we don't know how exactly God's plan will unfold, but when we trust in His promise we know that things will turn out so much better than what we can plan for ourselves.  

Lord, teach us to wait and to hope.  

As we prepare to enter a new year, grant us a sense of peace with where you are leading us.  Help us to abandon all fear and give us the courage to step out of the boat and trust you completely.  Amen. 

be at peace
walk on water
be not afraid

d*

7 Quick Takes #3: On the First Month of Marriage

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Learning to Live (and sleep) Together

It's hard to believe we've been married one month already!  The first month has brought with it many blessings, a lot of change, and things I didn't really expect... like learning how to sleep with my husband.  No really, we are trying to figure out how to sleep in the same bed.  We've both been used to sleeping in a full size bed alone, and we are quickly discovering that's not enough space for the both of us. Blanket Hog is not something I expected to hear in married life, but alas, I am a robber of covers, causing my husband to lose sleep :-p.  Oh the drama.

Solution?  Queen air mattress in the living room.  A temporary solution until we make it over to the mattress store.  Oh the adventurous life of newlyweds :-p

--- 2 ---

NFP.  Stuff just got real.  

I've been using Natural Family Planning for the past three years.  I started charting before I even met Michael, and now that we're married NFP is even more awesome.

Thank you iusenfp.com :)

It's one thing to talk about NFP as an abstinent single woman before marriage, it's a whole other thing to start charting as a couple and really trying to be open to whatever God has planned for us.  "NFP-ing" together has been a great gift in our first month of marriage.  It has given me an even deeper appreciation for my husband and my fertility.  This has also been an opportunity to practice what I preach.  As spouses we are called to openness to life.  We said "yes" when my Deacon Daddy asked us "Will you accept children lovingly from God..." and we meant it.  And as we continue to chart, I think we are realizing that this is so much more than a way to "postpone or achieve pregnancy"; it is an invitation to pray about God's plan for our family on a regular basis. I know that NFP-ing isn't always going to be easy, but that's why we need the grace of the sacrament!

--- 3 ---

Marriage is not for me or my husband...

I was one of the millions of people who liked and shared the "Marriage Isn't for You" blog post by Seth Adam Smith that went viral this week.  I really liked what Seth had to say, and it was a wonderful reminder of what Michael and I signed up for a month ago.  But I also really liked Jeremy's blog Response which brought it all together:  Marriage isn't about you, OR your spouse... it's for God. 

In my Theology of the Body presentations for engaged couples over the years we spend a lot of time discussing why marriage is a sacrament and what that actually means.  God's love is free, total, faithful, and fruitful and as spouses we are called to witness that love to each other and to the world.  This is not about spending the rest of our lives trying to satisfy the deepest longings of our spouse's heart and make them happy all the time.  That's impossible.  God alone can satisfy the soul's ache, and our job as spouses is to lead one another closer to him.  This is one of my favorite Catechism quotes that seems to capture this well:

"The 'natural desire' for happiness...is of divine origin: God has placed it in the human heart in order to draw man to the One who alone can fulfill it."- CCC no. 1718

--- 4 ---

Humility.

Honestly, amongst all of the wonderful things that comes with being a newlywed, humility is one of those things God is helping me learn whether I like it or not.  I've talked and taught about marriage/TOB/NFP/etc... for the past three years as part of my job.  I think God had me in marriage preparation long before we were engaged because He knows how stubborn and hard headed Deanna can be.  The best way to learn is to teach... but it is one thing to teach it, it's another thing to live it on a daily basis.  That's where that grace kicks in. I've got a long way to go, but it's so nice to know that both God and my husband are going to love me unconditionally :)

--- 5 ---

She cooks!

Michael is the real cook in this relationship, but this past week I stepped up my game and made dinner and a dessert (for those who know me, this is kind of a big deal :) ).  We had a wedding reception at our parish last weekend and so I made Pumpkin Cream Cheese Cupcakes.  Yum.  The first couple of batches weren't so pretty, but by round 3 I was baking like a boss.  

Last night I tried my hand at this Roasted Garlic Chicken Penne recipe minus the roasted bell peppers.  It actually turned out really well and I'm surprised at how much I enjoy cooking.  My next goal is to start cooking healthier and to also put our brand new crockpot to work.  The only thing I made in it so far is a bean casserole soup, but I'm ready to step out of my comfort zone and try something new!  If you have any favorite (easy) crockpot recipes please share!!

--- 6 ---

This is a picture of us making our way back to our group after getting Pope-handed.  I'd just like to note that my husband is a stud.  That is all :)

--- 7 ---

I love my husband.  No Really.  I love him.   

In my single days I remember seeing Facebook posts from friends that said cheesy things like "I love my husband!"  or "I have the best husband everrrr!" and think Ok we got it... Thanks for sharing... But I have to admit that there are days when I just want to burst in the room like:

Sure, I realize we've only been married a month, and this "honeymoon phase" will end.  And yes, there have been moments when he is not my favorite person to be around... but I love him!  It's not just that he is super smart, funny, a great cook and handyman, etc... but he is helping me get to heaven.  This is the start of a great adventure. :)

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