The Pain & Beauty of Humility

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I've never had trouble reciting a prayer until this one: The Litany of Humility. It is the kind that is so good for the soul it makes me cringe.  

It starts off gently:  

O Jesus, meek and humble of heart, hear me! 

Me: Oh yes that's nice. Please hear me meek and humble Jesus!

And then it continues:

From the desire of being esteemed, deliver me Jesus.  
Hm... OK Lord I guess I don't need so much of that.  Yes, Lord deliver me from this.

From the desire of being loved, deliver me Jesus.  
Whoa there! Hold up now...

And it only gets harder from there with sentences like:

From the desire of being praised...being preferred to others...approved...  
But wait!  I like affirmation! Heck, I like being liked!

From the fear of being despised...ridiculed...humiliated...  
AH!  But that stuff is painful!

Then the litany switches gears, and just when I didn't think it couldn't get any harder, it does:

That others may be loved more than I,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be esteemed more than I,  
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be praised and I unnoticed...

That others may be preferred to me in everything...

That others may become holier than I, 
provided that I may become as holy as I should...

By the last sentence there is a small part of me that wonders what the consequences of this prayer will be.  What on earth did I just ask for?!  I like being liked!  I like being praised for doing a good job!  It kills me when I know people are unhappy with me.  Why would I want to embrace a virtue that makes me so uncomfortable?

Of course, the short answer is this:   

Because Christ did.  

 "...He emptied himself, taking the form of a slave... he humbled himself, becoming obedient to death, even death on a cross." - Philippians 2:7-8

Though the cross is painful, we also know that it isn't the end of the story.  Humility can be painful, but it can also be beautiful when it is united to Christ.   


There's no doubt in my mind that the reason the Litany of Humility is so challenging for me to pray is because I need it so much.  Humility is hard.  It means embracing a cross that isn't always so fun to carry.  It also means recognizing that I am nothing without Christ, and without Him playing an active role in my life, I can do nothing at all.  

In his December 19th homily Pope Francis said that "Humility is necessary for fruitfulness." He explained that we cannot bear fruit in our lives without God's help and that we must acknowledge that we can do nothing on our own.  He encourages us to pray " ‘Lord, I want to be fruitful.’ I desire that my life should give life, that my faith should be fruitful and go forward and be able to give it to others. Lord, I am sterile, I can’t do it. You can. I am a desert: I can’t do it. You can.”

As someone who works in ministry full-time, this is something I need to pray more often.  It is easy for me to fall into the trap of thinking that I can do everything on my own. "I'll start this program!"  "I'll give this talk!" "I'll do it all!"  And in the middle of running my own show, pride is a comfortable thing to settle into.  Yet, it seems like the work I do is so much more meaningful and impactful when I get out of the way and take the time to ask "God, what are you calling me to do?"  Even my own prayer life and walk with Christ seems more life giving when I stop trying to push my agenda on God.  

I read through St. Josemaria Escriva's 17 Signs of a Lack of Humility and there's no doubt that I need a lot of work.  In this new year I feel like God is calling me to stop asking "What does Deanna want to get done?" and instead make the effort to pray "Your will, not mine, be done" on a daily basis.  And although it's not my favorite prayer, I'm also trying to pray the Litany of Humility at the start of my work day.  These are just small steps that I think could lead to a very interesting and fruitful year! 

Humility will probably never be an "easy" virtue for me to embrace.  The good news is that this is where God's grace kicks in.  By acknowledging our dependence on God, we make more room for him to work in and through our lives.  When we let go of things like the desire of being loved and the fear of being rejected we embrace the cross and the joy of our faith more fully.  

Jesus, meek and humble of heart, make my heart like yours 

(even if it hurts).

be at peace
walk on water
be not afraid

d*

Lent is Not My Favorite

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I've always had a love/hate relationship with Lent.  It's my least favorite season of all... but in a strange, twisted sort of way it's the season that I look forward to the most.

Truth is, I don't like Lent because it forces me to realize what a weeny I am when it comes to taking up my cross.

Sure, I start out in those days before Ash Wednesday like:

But before we've even hit the halfway point I'm like:

from CatholicMemes.com

I have to admit that this year my Lent was a lot more like Jacque up there and a lot less like taking up my cross and following Christ.  The thing is, I don't like being uncomfortable.  I don't like making sacrifices, and I certainly don't enjoy being reminded of how weak I am.  Whether it's not praying like I said I would, or eating that food that I swore I wouldn't touch until Easter Sunday, there comes a point every Lent where there's a temptation to kind of throw in the towel because I'm not as strong as I thought I'd be.

Lent 2013 was definitely not my "best".  Just when I thought I had conquered a deadly sin, there it was right back in my face again, bigger and uglier than ever.   It was like week after week I had a magnifying glass highlighting some dark spots on my heart that I hadn't thought about in a long time.  I'm so grateful for the Sacrament of Reconciliation and that it was offered daily in my parish this Lent, but there were definitely moments when I had to ask myself, "Have I wasted my Lent?"

But as we entered Holy Week, I was reminded that even though I wasn't entering into the Triduum with a squeaky clean "Lenten report card" or basking in the feeling of reaching some new level of holiness, Christ had been walking with me through it all.  No matter how far or hard I fell, it wasn't Deanna who was picking herself up again, it was always Christ standing there with outstretched arms of love and mercy.

And that's what Lent is all about.

Lent reminds me that it's not about Deanna.  It's not about how organized I can be when it comes to my prayer life, and it certainly isn't about how holy I can become by my own efforts.  It's all about the cross and learning how to embrace it.  Not only that, it's about relying completely and totally on God's love and mercy to continue persevering in faith.

As we celebrate the Triduum I am reminded that what makes Good Friday so good and what makes the crucifix so beautiful is that it wasn't the end of the story.

The same is true for our Lenten journey.  Lent is not the end of the story.  Sin and death did not get the final word.  And even though we may fall, perhaps even struggle with the same sins over and over again, Christ's mercy triumphs over all things.  If we're willing to take that one step towards God, God will always make us whole again in His love and mercy.

Lent is not my favorite.  It reminds me of how weak I am by my own efforts, and how challenging it is to really take up that cross to follow Christ.  And yet, this is exactly why I love Lent so much.  It reminds me that I am weak, but He is strong.  I am a sinner, but Christ is my Savior.  I am broken, but God will always make me whole again.

be at peace
walk on water
be not afraid

d*

"It is not that I have already taken hold of it or have already attained perfect maturity, but I continue my pursuit in hope that I may possess it, since I have indeed been taken possession of by Christ [Jesus].  Brothers, I for my part do not consider myself to have taken possession.  Just one thing: forgetting what lies behind but straining forward to what lies ahead, I continue my pursuit toward the goal, the prize of God's upward calling, in Christ Jesus."- Philippians 3:12-14