On Not Finishing Everything Before *30*

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Two weeks ago I turned 30 years old.

That's right.  The big 3-0.  No longer a twenty-something...just thirty.  Gasp! 

Surprisingly, I'm OK.  I survived the transition.  The clump of gray hairs on the top of my head seems a little more shiny than usual, but other than that I'm OK.

As my birthday came closer, people asked the same typical question, "So...how are you feeling about turning THIRTY?"  I responded with the typical "Eh..."  I mean sure, saying the word "thur-tee" leaves a slightly sour taste in my mouth, but I think that's mostly because 30 used to seem so far away.  And now here it is... with no where for me to run.

Yet there was also a very satisfying feeling about jumping into this new decade.  It wasn't like I lived under a rock for the last ten years.  A lot of life happened in the past decade.  A lot of GOD happened in the past decade.  

Some time after I had turned 20 I made the obligatory "Before I'm 30" list.  I decided to go looking for it in my box of journals because I know that there are things that I can definitely mark off the list, such as: 

• Travel to a Spanish speaking country (Studied in Costa Rica 2007 & lived in Mexico for a year)
• Help someone become Catholic (RCIA sponsor in 2012)
• Discern my vocation (Got married 10/5/2013)
• Travel to Rome & have an audience with the Pope (Best. Honeymoon. Ever.)

There were others on there that I know I didn't complete such as Publish a book, but I did write an 85 page thesis for my MA Theology degree in 2014, so maybe that can count? :)  

It isn't uncommon for people to have a Bucket List, or just a "things I want/need to get done" within X number of years.  Whether it's things we want to do before we graduate from college, before marriage or kids, or things we want to get done before the next decade sneaks up on us, it's not a bad thing to have goals that motivate and inspire us.

My 20th Birthday...
Taking Selfies before it was cool.

But sometimes when that deadline arrives it can be tempting to only focus on what we haven't accomplished.  As my birthday got closer it was really hard not to think about the fact that I'm not 30-50lbs lighter (hellooo baby weight + the lbs I never lost in my 20s).  I have an incredible list of things that I can be proud of and thankful for, but for some reason it was really tempting to only focus on how I failed to reach a certain number on the scale.

Maybe someone else is disappointed that they never traveled as much as they wanted, or mastered a certain skill, or figured out their vocation in life yet.  That's OK.  Just because we don't do all the things in the time frame that we imagine for ourselves doesn't necessarily mean that we've wasted time or that we've failed at being a successful 20 or 30 something.

God is still at work.  For all that we don't mark off the lists, there are so many other things that, when we really take the time to think about it,  God has done in our lives.

I haven't been able to find my official "Before 30" list, but as I went through my old journals it reaffirmed what I shared several months ago:  In the darkest moments, God was at work.  In the happiest moments, God was at work.  When I was wrestling with God and discerning my vocation, God was at work.  When I felt like my plans were completely falling apart, God was most definitely at work.
 

If God can do all that in my 20s, then I'm certain that my 30s are going to be full of more surprises and adventures.  I'll probably make a "Before 40" list in case God needs any ideas, but I already know God's plans will be better and more fulfilling than what I can dream up for myself.   

No matter where you are in life, no matter how many things you have or haven't marked off your list, remember that God loves you too much to let you stay the same.  Our lives are more than a series of "Things to Do".  God has a plan and a purpose for each of us, no matter our age or state in life.  

be at peace
walk on water
be not afraid

What God Can Do in a Decade

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I really like  "Timehop" and the "On this Day" apps.  It's always entertaining and sometimes surprising to see a snapshot of what I was up to several years ago.

One day I was scrolling through those memories and it occurred to me that a lot has happened over the past 10 years.  If you had told me at 19 years old that over the next decade I would travel to two other countries, live abroad for a year, get a job in Southwest Kansas, teach Theology of the Body in English and Spanish, marry a man I met on the internet, meet the Pope, earn a Masters degree in Theology, and then have a baby.... I probably would have thought you were insane.

There's just no way I would have been able to process all of that.

19 was a dark time for me.  I was getting ready to go into my sophomore year of college, I was living at home, my Mom was dealing with a debilitating illness (which was hard on the whole family), and I was also struggling through some serious addictions and pain of my own.

At 19, I thought my brokenness was only going to get more broken.  Sure, there were good days.  But I was hurting, and I was looking for happiness, love, and peace in all the wrong places.  What I didn't realize at the time was that while I thought my wounds were only getting larger, God was already at work doing some major heart surgery.

When I look back at the last decade as a whole, I can't help but see how God laid a foundation over the years, and how each step had an influence on the next. 

I went from studying Italian to Spanish, which led to a study abroad adventure in Costa Rica.  That experienced inspired me to want to serve as a missioner in Mexico for a year after graduation, which led to a job in Texas.  The highlight of that year in Texas was being exposed to Theology of the Body on an even deeper level and meeting my husband.  That new found love of TOB led to a job in Southwest Kansas, where I've been for almost 5 years.  Being in Dodge City connected me and my husband to a MA Theology program, which is how we ended up in Rome with Pope Francis over our honeymoon.  And our graduation present?  Baby Johnston :)

Of course, those are just the major highlights, but I know that there were even more moments and experiences that God used to draw me closer to Himself over the years. 

Now here I am at 29... a married mother in ministry. 

God used some of the darkest, most challenging, and most inspiring experiences lead me to where I am now.  I'm still growing, I'm still in formation, and God is still faithful, even when I'm at my worst.

There's a song by Gungor called "Beautiful Things".  The entire song moves me.  The beginning of the first verse goes:

All this pain,
I wonder if I'll ever find my way,
I wonder if this life could really change at all.

Then refrain and bridge articulate exactly what comes to mind when I reflect on the last decade:

You make beautiful things... out of the dust. 
You make beautiful things...out of us.  
You make me new, you are making me new.

God's plan for our lives is more incredible than anything we can imagine for ourselves.  If I've learned anything over the past decade, it's that God will make something beautiful out of our brokenness, but we have to let Him into it. 

Sometimes it is really difficult to see the "bigger picture", and it is easy to forget that God is at work in each and every moment.  I still struggle with this. 
 

I don't always remember to look at where I am in my journey or actively discern what the next steps might be.  Yes, God can do so much over the years... but am I open to what He is doing in my life right now?  Do I realize that if I'm willing to give God each day, one moment at a time, He can do the impossible?  

Maybe you've experienced a dark moment in your own journey.  Maybe that's where you are right now, and it's hard to see hope or how God could possibly bring healing into the situation.  If I can give any encouragement, it would be to be patient with yourself and be patient with God.  God loves us too much to leave us exactly where we are, and He really can make something beautiful out of the darkest and most broken pieces of ourselves.  

While I may not be dealing with the same things I was ten years ago, I know God is still healing my heart and preparing me for even more adventures that will lead me even further out of the boat.  More than anything I hope that I can continue to learn to give God one moment at a time, and to cling to His promise, "Behold, I make all things new" (Rev 21:5)

be at peace
walk on water
be not afraid

d*

2015 Word of the Year: Be

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At the beginning of 2014 I really felt called to embrace the words "Your will, not mine, be done."  Six words, sprinkled with lessons in surrender and humility.  I knew it wasn't going to be a piece of cake, but I don't think I realized how God would lead me to learning the significance of those words in every aspect of my life.

Sure, I knew it was going to be a busy year:  thesis writing, new changes and challenges in ministry, plus we were just navigating through our first year of marriage, which is a whole new adventure in itself.  But I think the place where God really taught me the meaning of those words was when we were trying to get pregnant.  It took me a little while to realize that "Your will not mine be done" is NOT the same as "My will should be done on my timeline."  Go figure.  In the end, I realized that God's timing is absolutely perfect, and His will and plans are much better than anything I could come up with on my own.

Now here we are at the first week of 2015.

When I was praying about what the "word" for the New Year might be, I was surprised by how short and simple the answer was: BE.  While that word doesn't seem like much, I feel called to live it out in on three different levels:

 Be {still and know that I am GOD}.

Psalm 46:10

In a world of constant go go go! and schedules that are always full of something.... then add a baby on top of all of that, it's extremely easy to get caught up in the things to do and forget the simplest of tasks: to be still and simply be with God.  No lofty or complex spiritual plans or agenda... just the constant reminder to be still and acknowledge that God is God, and I am not.  That's more important than trying to read 10 spiritual books or telling myself I'll pray the rosary every single day before breakfast (though those are great goals to have!).  It all begins with learning to be still, to be silent, and to really soak in who God is. 

Be {in the moment}.

"Be strong and courageous, do not be terrified do not be discouraged, for the LORD your GOD is with you wherever you go."  - Joshua 1:9  

 

As I step into my new role as Mom I know that there are many new moments ahead.  There will be beautiful moments of soaking in the the miracle of life, the joy of being a parent, and how our lives have been changed forever.  And of course there will also be some sleepless nights, diaper bombs, a lot of tears from both Mom and baby, and I'm sure there will be times of wondering whether I'm really cut out to do this.

But no matter what I am facing, beautiful or frustrating, I need to remember to step back and just be in the moment.  This is a new adventure!  It's going to be a year of humbling moments mixed with baby giggles and spit up :).  In every moment, every struggle and every success, I need to learn to just be in the moment.  This will mean letting go of my expectations at times, and soaking in whatever it is we are facing.  

Be {Deanna}.  

When I was thinking about this last one I wondered if it was a little silly or childish to say it this way.  But the more I think about it, the more I realize it might be one of the more challenging aspects of life this year.  This year I'm going to learn a lot about myself, and discovering my role as "Mom" is just a small part of that.  I really want to be the woman that God created me to be.  I want to embrace who that is.  I want to be authentic and honest with myself, and not get distracted by trying to fit a perfect image of what I think the world expects me to be.  Of all of the models of Motherhood and Femininity, Our Blessed Mother is really the only one that I should be striving to imitate.   Knowing myself, this will be a hard one.  But I think that learning to be still and to be in the moment are going to help me to be myself.

2015 is going to be a great year.  In just a few more weeks our first child will come into the world and life will be different.  As tempting as it is to worry or wonder about the unknowns of this year, I'm more excited knowing that God is faithful and that His plans are far beyond anything I could imagine for myself or my family. 

I am looking forward to learning how to "be".  

What is your word of the year?

be at peace
walk on water
be not afraid

d*

11 Things About d*

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I recently discovered Kendra over at Catholic All Year.  I just love finding other Catholic women out there who are loving and living their vocations as wives, mothers, single ladies, discerning, etc... It makes me appreciate the Body of Christ that much more.   Thank you for your witness ladies (and gentlemen!).  

Kendra had a lovely little link-up I thought I'd try out... we'll call it much needed break from thesis writing/a way to keep blogging without thinking too hard :)  

1. Where do you live? And why do you live there?

Dodge City, Kansas.  Don't know where that is?  Basically the middle of no where in the southwest corner of the state.  It's really not that bad... but who knew Dodge City was a REAL PLACE and not just the location of Gunsmoke?

Why am I here?  Short answer: Because God has a sense of humor.

Longer Answer: Because after I finished my second year of mission/volunteer work I saw an ad for a youth ministry position at a parish in a far off land called Kansas.  I got a call 2 weeks later from the Pastor telling me that the YM position was filled, but he wanted to create a position for me, which happened to be my dream job.  Almost 4 years later and I'm still here.  :)

2. What are you currently watching and/or reading?

I'm working on my thesis so I'm currently balancing several books with short breaks of Netflix and YouTube.  My favorite books from my research are:

by Dr. Pia de Solenni 

And 

Sexuality & Authority in the Catholic Church

by Dr. Monica Miller

On Netflix, I'm watching Arrested Development.  How is it 2014 and I am JUST NOW learning about this show?!  The episodes are just short enough that I don't feel bad when I take a break from reading and need something mindless and humorous.  

Life after the thesis....and I'm almost ashamed to say it... I intend on having a weekend marathon of Game of Thrones Seasons 2-3.  It's bad.. but it's so good....

3. What kind of Catholic are you: cradle, or convert? (Or considering?)

I am a cradle Catholic, but my parents didn't actually start attending Mass until we moved to Memphis when I was in the first grade.  My mom converted to Catholicism a short while later, and then my Dad was ordained to the permanent diaconate in the year 2000.  Since the early 1990s my family has been actively involved in Church life, and that's a big part of why I work for a parish today.   The older I get the more I appreciate my parents and their faith journeys and that they have given us the courage to be Catholic!  

4. Can you point to one moment or experience that made you a practicing Catholic? (Or want to be?)

In January 2001 my high school led the March for Life in D.C.  The night before the march after the vigil Mass we went back to the gym at Catholic University of America, and before going to bed on the gym floor they announced that confession and adoration would be available.  For some reason I felt compelled to go, and this was a HUGE game changer for me.  I already had a love for my faith, but that night at adoration something happened.  The Eucharist was really Jesus (I mean it always has been and always will be but this was the first time I GOT that) and somehow, on the floor of a racquetball court, Jesus became real to me in a very intimate and personal way.  That was the moment something "clicked" and I've never been the same!

5. How many pairs of shoes do you own?

That I actually wear or that are sitting in a box waiting to be thrown/given away?  Next question please?

6. Are you a good dancer?

Wedding reception = The Best Time of my LIFE!

Y'all the Cupid shuffle is my jam.  I love dancing.  Am I good at it?  Doesn't matter.  But I love to dance.  Zumba and wedding receptions (sometimes at the same time) are my FAVORITE.  In fact, do yourself a favor and go have a dance party to this song right now.  

Go ahead.  I'll wait.  

7. Who usually drives, you or your husband?

Depends.  If I promise my husband Promised Land chocolate milk or back scratches, he drives.  

8. What's your favorite holiday and how do you celebrate it?

Christmas is hands down my favorite holiday.  The music. The decorations.  The atmosphere... It's just the most wonderful time of the year!  Being newlyweds, this is one of those holidays we're still trying to figure out.  This past Christmas was our first one together, and it was also the first time we'd ever spent Christmas away from our families.  It was still special, but ideally I'd like to spend Christmas with family, food, and movie marathons in our pajamas with the fireplace going.  

9. Which is correct? Left or right?

What sort of question is this... LEFT of course.  There is no other way.  

10. Do you have any scars?

July 31, 2003* I tore my ACL and meniscus cartilage in my left knee during a tournament at the beginning of volleyball season.  It was my Senior year, and it was a rude awakening to the fact that I wouldn't get to play volleyball in college as I had planned.  But something amazing happened.  God's plans turned out to be so.much.better. than any of my plans for college or playing for the USA Women's team.  I can look at my scar and honestly thank God for it.  Without this scar I wouldn't have studied Spanish and I probably wouldn't have gone to Costa Rica. I wouldn't have ended up in Mexico doing mission work for a year, which means I wouldn't have gone to Texas the following year, which means I wouldn't have met my husband, which means I wouldn't be married and living in southwest Kansas.  Or at least that's how I see it :)


*This is St. Ignatius of Loyola's feast day, who also incurred a knee injury that changed his life.

11. What's the most famous thing you've ever done?

Best wedding present we received.  Hands down.

Well that was a fun break!  

Head over to Kendra's page for other excitement... and maybe even join in on the Answer Me This Link Up on Sunday!  

be at peace

walk on water

be not afraid

d*

7 Quick Takes, #1: Ketchup!

 My very first "7 Quick Takes!". My favorite bloggers do this on a regular basis (namely, Conversion Diary, 4Life4Life, Captive the Heart, and NFPandMe), so I thought I might give it a go. :)  I'll use this an an opportunity to catch up on the past few months of silence.

--- 1 ---

So I haven't blogged all summer long... but I promise I have a good excuse! I spent most of the summer preparing and then taking my Comprehensive Exam for my MA Theology program.  One of the benefits to being in the same Graduate Program as my fiance is that we can procrastinate work together and encourage one another. The test was Pass/Fail so the pressure was on.  I thought it would be the end of me.... No really.   I'm pretty sure I win in the melt down department, but WE PASSED!  I may have overdosed on coffee and functioned on little to no sleep, but it was all worth it in the end.  Now we just have to finish our Thesis (50 pages to go!) and then the degree is ours!!

--- 2 ---

There's nothing like finding a hilarious YouTube video to entertain oneself and avoid the pains of studying and writing papers.  What's better is finding out that that hilarious video is part of a series of hilarious videos that can occupy your time for several hours at a time.  This one has been especially entertaining:

 

 Thankfully Michael's toes don't point up... so we're good.

--- 3 ---

My trip to Memphis in August went really well.  I met with some vendors, got to see wedding hair, makeup, and dress all put together... which basically = stuff's bout to get real.  One of the highlights from the trip was my Memphis Bridal Shower hosted by my amazing and wonderful Maid of Honor.  It's awesome to see friends from high school again!

Gina, Me, Stacy, Matt, Katey and Erica (MOH)

--- 4 ---

One of my "major" preparations for the wedding was making the decision to get extensions.  I went from a bob to 16 inches of "Brazilian" hair.  After a month of having it in I think I'm finally getting used to it, but seeing people's reactions has been super entertaining.  My favorite so far has been the people who thought I just kept my hair pinned back all the time.  If only it were that easy!

--- 5 ---

I've recently been introduced to The Doctor:

We're on Season 2.  Me gusta.  :)

--- 6 ---

Michael and I have been reading 33 Days to Morning Glory as part of our final preparation for our wedding day.  The 33rd day is the day of our wedding and following the Nuptial Mass we will consecrate ourselves to Jesus through Mary.  This is my second time to go through the book and it is absolutely wonderful.  The Blessed Mother has been a very special part of our courtship, and it has been important to have her as a constant intercessor.  We can never love her more than Jesus does :)

--- 7 ---

I'm getting married in 15 days!!!!!  Who knew that 3 years of waiting could come down to just 2 short weeks.  We're leaving for the first part of our trip next Thursday, getting to Memphis around October 1, and October 5th is the big day!  You'll definitely be hearing more about this later... God willing :)

For more Quick Takes, visit Conversion Diary!

Why Easter Vigil ROCKED

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I don't know if it is possible to have a "favorite Mass", but the Easter Vigil 2013 is going to go down in my book as one of the most life changing experiences ever.  I'll give you a rundown of my favorite moments:

from holyfamilyfishers.org

Christ Our Light, Thanks be to God!
For as long as I can remember, the very beginning of the Easter Vigil Mass has got to be one of my favorite moments.  The Church is dark, the Easter fire is lit, and the celebrant walks into the Church with the light of the Easter candle singing "CHRIST OUR LIGHT!"  Slowly but surely the congregation's candles illuminate the sanctuary.  There's something about looking around the Cathedral at hundreds of candles that gives me a very concrete visual of what it means to be the Body of Christ.  Together we overcome the darkness.

The Exultet
Not only is it beautiful to stand there holding the light of our candles, we get to hear someone sing the Easter Proclamation!  #bestchantofalltime.

Front Row Seat
Working for the Church has many perks... like getting a front row seat to 28 baptisms!  Ok, so it wasn't a front row "seat" it was more like "Deanna stand close to the baptismal font and help if people need help." That was awesome.  I got to see the faces of women, men, and children as they walked into the font with our Bishop and the Pastor, and the radiant joy on their faces as they stepped out.  Neophytes are extra awesome.

He's One of Us!
Another highlight of this Mass was seeing my best friend's husband enter full communion with the Catholic Church.  It just made the mass that much more special :)  They've been married almost one year and are expecting their first child in July.  I think I saw more joy and excitement on their faces that night than on their wedding day!  #Catholicandproud

L-R Me, Michael, Blake (baby Catholic!) and his wife Becca

Shortly after we took this picture, I suggested that Michael (my boyfriend of almost 3 years) and I take a picture together at the altar.  We hardly ever get pictures taken together, so why not do so when we're in our Easter best!  We took our places at the foot of the altar when Michael said "Deanna..."  

Which was soon followed by "Deanna, will you marry me?" :

I, of course, said yes!  Which was followed by this pretty awesome shot:

I love love love this picture... Mostly because the tabernacle... the Eucharist is at the very center of it.  Right where it should be.  It reminds me of Venerable Fulton Sheen's Three to Get Married.

And that is why I haven't written since the Easter Vigil :-p  Life has been a bit of a whirlwind since March 30th!  Between work, grad school, and wedding planning... I haven't really been sure where to begin on the next entry!

There's a lot to share, and I think it is perfectly appropriate that I began this blog, "Getting Out of the Boat" on the night that my beloved proposed.  Preparing for the Sacrament of Marriage in the midst of one of the busiest years of my life will be an out of the boat experience for sure.  When I look at everything that I have to get done between now and the end of the year it can feel a little overwhelming... but there's this beautiful peace in all of it knowing that on October 5, 2013 I will marry my best friend.

So at this point, I sincerely ask for your prayers.  In the midst of all of the wedding planning, writing a thesis, taking comprehensive exams and continuing ministry at the parish,  things can feel a little crazy! But I know that if I keep eye contact on Christ and keep Him at the center of all of this, 2013 is going to end up as one of the best years thus far!

There's no way we're going to be able to do this on our own.  But with Christ at the center we don't have to.

be at peace
walk on water
be not afraid

d*

"Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm; for love is as strong as death..."

Song of Songs 8:6